Courage to Love
by Missthirdward
Summary: This is 3 years late but the more I think about it, that season 4 finale seriously ruined our poor shipper souls. Just a little ONE SHOT to ease my longing for an alternative ending. Alicia visits Will after Peter's gubernatorial election and they talk. Title is corny asf but so is this story. Please read and review your thoughts and enjoy :)


A/N: I'm posting this because The Good Fight airs soon and I will then have to acknowledge the fact that our girl Alicia is never coming back to the screen. Also, i just got my wisdom tooth removed and needed something to do other than writhe in pain lol. I MISS ALICIA SO MUCH so please enjoy xx

* * *

My fingertips banter with my shaking palms as I force myself out of the elevator. I don't know why I am here, I have absolutely no excuses to justify my reasons, for betraying vows that I had only just recently agreed to renew days ago, for leaving my children in that saturated hotel suite, and for departing from the dream I had longed to see them live, to see myself live, even as my subconscious refused to overlook the fact that it would be a simple nightmare to remain in a marriage I no longer cherished.

My thoughts hinder my true intentions for the night, and I slowly begin to take a step backward. _This is stupid. Fucking stupid._ As I consider returning to the elevator, where the dim memory of me being trapped against Will's hold in this same crane still follows me to this day, I remember the psychological therapy I had to exercise in my car just to get up here. I'd wasted a whole hour out there in the cold, contemplating, thinking, self-lecturing and self-prodding, maybe even a bit of crying until I remembered that Will's eyes are somehow submerged with an intense magnifying glass and he would see right through me. He's always been able to see when I'm sad, even on the most strangest occasions, and I can't deny the reality that tonight has been no different, only he's been mute about it, probably stretching it to the fact that it's been a long day and we are all unavoidably exhausted.

I sigh for hopefully the last time and fix my hair. If my drowsy eyes won't stay hidden, then I pray that my fresh shower a couple of hours ago radiates off of me, enough to attract even the slightest of his positive attentions. _Who I am kidding?_ Even I know that a warm shower and fresh clothes won't do me justice, I need sleep, I need closure and I need warmth. I need him.

 _I need him._

It's taken me so long to realize it that when I feel an astonishing wave of surprise, I think I may just drown in relief for finally admitting the truth.

I don't know how Will feels, I'm not sure that I even want to know, but it's time. It's time to face the truth, and if he decides to send me home the second he sees me, I will have no shame in reminding him of the half a dozen missed calls he's left on my phone since the announcement of Peter's win three hours ago.

I knock three times and twist my hand into a ball of shaky limbs as it drops to my side. When I don't hear him approach, I knock again. Padded footsteps tell me that he's seconds away from meeting me, I don't even consider the idea of running right now, but still, it's there in the back of my mind, hidden in insecurity and doubt. Maybe I'll just say that I've come to say thanks….

The door swings open and I'm met with his gentle features, relaxed unlike before, where the tension of the day's events and the frustration of our ever straining and undefined relationship hangs as heavily on his shoulders as it does mine, maybe even more for him. I'm tempted to just tell him right now why I am here, but as much as I tried hard in the last hour of self-preparation, I still couldn't come up with anything even remotely accurate to stand on.

"Alicia" he whispers with unease. His tense forehead and strained breathing terrifies me, what if he doesn't feel the same way? What if he truly doesn't want me here? What if he's realised that this was all just a mistake? And that I've done nothing but cause him trouble in the last four years. My lips ache from being bitten raw by the top layer of my teeth, and when I feel his gaze rest easily on my lips, I smile inside, for I feel my doubts and concerns wash away at a glimpse of his desire.

"You said we needed to talk" I remind him. I feel like my heart might just tear through my chest and expose its crushed remains from five years ago. I refuse to go there, to think of it all once more. Its memories already haunt me in my sleep, I refuse to let it do in my consciousness.

He nods imperceptibly and steps backward, inviting me into the apartment and hopefully this part of his life again. I don't know what man on earth would accept a woman whom is married to now, one of this state's most powerful men, but his easing smile and warm demeanour suggests that this is not even an issue worth considering in his mind.

When I take a step forward, and another one, I let my gaze run over his face, closely, and allow the day's fatigue to slowly collapse. He looks into my eyes so intensely, and yet clouded with something gentle, that I struggle to remember that I'm not even halfway through his doorway yet. His gaze drops to my right hand, where he takes it in his own and lifts his chocolate eyes back to mine again. He wants me here.

I let my bag fall to the ground as my arms snake around his shoulders and my body moulds into his. I can't say for which one of us holds on the longest. My mind clouds with the scent of him and the feel of his arms keeping my waist. As I hear the door close behind me, I move my head so that I can rest my ear against the steady pound of his heartbeat. I don't know what this, nor what it means but I refuse to care anymore. I am so tired and caught in so much internal chaos that I could easily fall asleep standing here in his arms.

Suddenly, I wish we were lying down, though I wish for a lot more things as well, one including a clear mind with a fresh perspective. I flutter my lashes, and Will must sense my drowsiness for he presses a kiss against my forehead. It isn't a strange feeling, though it certainly should be, for he hasn't done it in two years, and even then, he was always cautious as to when to share his affections with me, but I feel as though we've been through so much since then, that we could probably kiss right now and it wouldn't feel any less normal

My arms rest easily on his waist now and I close my eyes in relaxation. _God I could stay here forever,_ I think to myself, another mental reminder that I have a life, a job, a husband and two beautiful children who need me more than Will or Peter ever will. I am their mother after all, and even as their teenage years are beginning to evaporate into early signs of adulthood, I have a feeling I have several more years left before I'm completely inept to their daily survival.

"What do you want Will?" I ask quietly, it's not a question born from irritation or bother, it's one of those life questions that my mother and brother tend to nudge and poke me with until the marks left on my reflection is their only answer.

"You." His response is clear and strong, certain enough that I feel as though it echoes firmly in the apartment. I take a peek into those dark eyes and catch a glimpse of anxiety.

"What do you want?" he says, simply

I shrug as I allow my gaze to search the area, looking for some kind of answer, though all I see is leather and dark timber. "I don't know. I don't know. I want… I want to feel sure, confident about what I want. Yesterday, I had everything planned. Peter and I were going to renew our vows.. and then I close my eyes and realize that that's not what I want at all. That's what the kids want.. what he wants.." I stammer, mentally schooling myself on talking like a fool. _God, what am I even talking about?_

"Alicia" he murmurs, only slightly frustrated. He reaches out to touch my cheek, smiling at my incompetence to make sense. I've always been like this, even in Georgetown, I never really made sense after midnight. I'd always been one of those students who actually needed sleep, who couldn't simply rely on caffeine and forced adrenaline to get through the week. As I look into his smiling eyes, I know my memories of our semi childhood still lingers in his mind. I begin to wonder what he thinks about when it comes to our days in college when his voice grabs my attention.

"What do you want?" he repeats.

My chest lifts and closes with each breath I can take, contemplating on a better answer rather than a few short rambles about my ex-husband and our children.

"I want you. But I also want simple, and divorcing right now is not something that entail's _simple…._ I just don't want my head cut open for the whole world to see, you know? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I just.. I'm so confused and.." I pause, my mind unable to keep up with anything else other than the look of pain and anxiety in his eyes. I hate myself more than I ever have before, seeing him this way, as if his heart was just a toy for me to tease.

"Alicia.."

"I think… I think I'm falling in love with you. No." I pause, catching his puzzled response. "I think I am in love with you." This was the most exposed I had been with him, well, mentally and emotionally. I refuse to look up, afraid of what I'd find. If there was even the slightest trace of hope for us in all of this mess, I silently hope that he feels more for us than I have the strength to at the moment, and that he is conceptually stronger and likely to save our relationship if it were to collapse. Knowing my fate, I can only beg my daughter's god to give me some kind of chance.

His shirt is left unbuttoned on top, and I'm distracted momentarily by Will's hand cupping my chin. My face lifts and I'm greeted with a fire of certainty, love and intense admiration. "Do you know how long I have waited for you to say those words?" Even in his shadow of anxiety, which didn't fail to slip pass me, there was no denying that this was probably the best revelation I had ever given him. I struggle internally to understand why. A simple dose of three syllables, though certainly powerful in its meaning, doesn't stop me from feeling like I had just done something so corny, and by the way his expression lifts at each second, I feel a little bit silly for having said it like an anxious school girl at prom.

I love him. It has been true for half of our lifetime together, but why does a declaration of love need to me the milestone that gets us through this tornado? Why can't it be something plain and simple? I guess I'm just tired and grumpy, and the fact that I may or may not have just embarrassed myself in front of the one man who's ever made me feel nervous, wrecks my already tied stomach. Our lips meet briefly, skimming past his jaw and reaching up to make more passion out of it. The tips of our tongues touch lightly, and I refuse to pull away until lack of hair calls for a pause and our foreheads find their way to one another once more.

"I love you" he tells me, something that I'm afraid to admit I already know, but it doesn't cease to do something indefinable to my heart hearing him say it out loud, like a few seconds of veins unable to communicate with important blood vessels. Our foreheads bump, and there's that corniness again. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has to feel slightly embarrassed for saying something so obvious and evident to anybody outside of our bodies, sometimes I wonder whether or not people were just being polite in not warning me about Will's long lasted looks, I remember now Kalinda mentioning something about it a few years ago, but it's only started to touch my mind since Owen pointed it out a couple of months ago. "And I know that what you're going through isn't easy. But I'm here. I'm always going to be here Alicia. Even if we fuck up" he curses, and I can't help but smile. I've always found him above sexy when he swears, when he's angry or stressed from work, it's such a contrast to the always calm and collected Will that I know and love. "Even if this _thing_ doesn't work out. I'll always be by your side."

It's nice to know that he has as little faith in us as I do, I think sarcastically, and smile as he presses a gentle kiss to my lips. He pulls me to his chest once again, and I allow my nose to nudge his neck. My eyes close and I take absolute pleasure in the intimacy. Who am I kidding? As much as I'd like to think that our fate is set to doom, there's no denying the fact that I've never felt this way about any other man before. I squeeze him tighter.

"Did you even rest today? Or have you been up all day?" he prompts me, a look of pity behind his sweet smile. I shake my head, knowing it is purely hopeless to lie to him.

"Haven't slept since yesterday."

He takes me to the couch, where he prods me with a cup of hot tea and some food. I'm not in the mood to eat, though my empty stomach is probably alive again after I give in and swallow a handful of pasta. Thank you Will, I think silently. For giving my well-being a chance to see another day.

I'm glad I changed before coming here, as I'm no longer confided in that dark tight dress and find so much more comfort in my skinny jeans and one of Grace's hooded jumpers, it was only thing I could find that wasn't in laundry.

We talk idly about things, work, the celebratory party I didn't even bother to stay at, and the death row appeal I have with Diane on Thursday. When the tune of the television in the background begins to slip away from my consciousness, and I feel truly high as a kite from Will's warm hold, I fall asleep to the sound of his heartbeat drumming proudly in my ear.

It's morning when my eyes adjust again. Will's bright apartment is goddamn painful in daylight, and I squint my eyes shut when I make the mistake of opening them. I feel an arm resting on my waist and small puffs of breath on my shoulder. Tucked in between Will's chest and the confines of the couch, my nose is nuzzled in a soft amber coloured cushion.

My eyes have adjusted enough to my surroundings when I shift over to face my abductor. I smile at his sleepy features, his long lashes that always seem to terrify me, even for a middle aged man, he still looks like the young adult I met at that pool party. I stifle a chuckle as I catch him squint fiercely, probably by the abrupt light.

I know that it was difficult for him to bare all his feelings the way that he did last night. He's a proud man, and I only wish a little for the rest of my world to see this side of him, the Will who truly cares and only wishes to be a good person.

My thoughts return back to my life, my kids who are not really kids anymore, the firm, what will happen when they hear about Will and I? What will happen to Peter? I shudder at the mere possibility of my kids hating me for leaving their father, _again._ I promised myself and Will not to do this, to give up only hours after our sealed promises to make it work. I can't imagine a life without this man. So I push my doubts and fears away and toy with the cuff of his shirt, hoping that he will wake soon.

"I can hear your head turning with each of your worries" he mumbles, a small smile lifting the corners of his lips. I stroke his cheek just as he opens his eyes. He susses me quietly, I've never wanted anything more than to know his thoughts in this moment. It makes me nervous. Has he realized now what kind of mistake he's about to make? How he is surely about to ruin his credibility 'stealing' a married woman.

He strokes my lips with a kiss, which cools my sizzling thoughts and brings me back to life. "Are you gonna bail on me now?" he tries to tease, only it falls flat in my ears. Maybe he's the one who is scraped with anxiety after all.

"No" I tell him immediately. I admit to him that last night I was worried for what my perspective would hold come morning, only to see that it's no different than yesterday. He nods in agreement.

"Stay here, all day" he murmurs. _God._ I think. Between his morning hair and silky bed tone voice, there is no point in denying him. If I don't stay, my mind will be flooded with images of sessions in bed and a full day spent in his arms. Who on this earth would deny that?

"Unless, you have to go somewhere" he offers me a way out.

"I have to pick my kids up at four, they're with my mother. Soo I can stay until then" I brush his jaw with my thumb, smiling when he reacts by pinning me on my back and climbing on top of me. I laugh loudly, enjoying the sensation of his lips against my skin.

"I feel like all my prayers have been answered in one whole day" he tells me teasingly. I chuckle and half sigh at the kiss he holds behind my ear. I reach for the nape of his neck and pull him to my lips, our kiss is deep and raw with passion, and as I lock my legs around his waist, pulling him closer to me, he whispers those three words in my ear followed by my name. I close my eyes and savor the after effects of love.

I'll never let him go.


End file.
